WITHHOLDING Happiness

This is not what I expected.  I should be happy.  Very happy.  Even though my betas look lovely, I haven't cried tears of happiness or felt a hint of elation.  I can only describe my overall feelings as neutral.  Maybe it's because it doesn't seem real or perhaps because I didn't expect it to work so soon.  There's also the fear of the unknown and the constant idea of miscarriage creeping in.  I mean, in the infertility world nothing seems to come easily, so why should this pregnancy?  Just typing that word and knowing that I'm relating it to myself is unnerving.  I am pregnant.  Insane.

It's just so early and I guess I'm just afraid.  Afraid that I'll get let infertility continue to get the best of me.  Afraid that I'll get too attached to a tiny someone I'll never get to hold in my arms.  In this world we build up so many walls and our hearts are hardened with each failed cycle.  We guard our hearts with lock and key.

I also feel sadness for the ladies that wanted their BFPs just as much as I did...especially since it seemed to be a BFP frenzy this cycle.  I know it's illogical to think that we'd all get our second lines together but my heart hurts for them.  Badly.  Your time will come, sweet friends.  I am hopeful for you.

I know this is real {for now}.  It just doesn't feel real.  Maybe my ultrasound will be the moment I cry tears of joy.  The moment I thought I'd experience after seeing 2 lines...but never came.