Monday, May 14, 2012

WITHHOLDING Happiness

This is not what I expected.  I should be happy.  Very happy.  Even though my betas look lovely, I haven't cried tears of happiness or felt a hint of elation.  I can only describe my overall feelings as neutral.  Maybe it's because it doesn't seem real or perhaps because I didn't expect it to work so soon.  There's also the fear of the unknown and the constant idea of miscarriage creeping in.  I mean, in the infertility world nothing seems to come easily, so why should this pregnancy?  Just typing that word and knowing that I'm relating it to myself is unnerving.  I am pregnant.  Insane.

It's just so early and I guess I'm just afraid.  Afraid that I'll get let infertility continue to get the best of me.  Afraid that I'll get too attached to a tiny someone I'll never get to hold in my arms.  In this world we build up so many walls and our hearts are hardened with each failed cycle.  We guard our hearts with lock and key.

I also feel sadness for the ladies that wanted their BFPs just as much as I did...especially since it seemed to be a BFP frenzy this cycle.  I know it's illogical to think that we'd all get our second lines together but my heart hurts for them.  Badly.  Your time will come, sweet friends.  I am hopeful for you.

I know this is real {for now}.  It just doesn't feel real.  Maybe my ultrasound will be the moment I cry tears of joy.  The moment I thought I'd experience after seeing 2 lines...but never came.

11 comments:

  1. I can definitely understand your hesitation. It might just take alittle time for you to adjust. Hoping that your ultrasound will do it for you!

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    1. Thanks, Toni! LOVE the camper!!!

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  2. I've been feeling the same way. Hang in there. When is your u/s?

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    1. Not until the 30...seems like ages away.

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  3. It took a very long time for me too, I really have only felt Luke we are getting there more recently and keep hoping that soon the baby will start moving and that will be it.

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  4. Me too. On all of it. I've been really surprised by my reaction. I thought it would feel different to get this far after fighting for so long.

    I hope each milestone brings you a little more joy and confidence. Take care!

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  5. It's so sad that our happy is tinged with disbelief and preparing for the worst! But it really seems to be the norm for us! Here's hoping the first ultrasound helps ease things a bit.

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  6. Your moment will come... you've been through so much and tried so hard to get where you are now - the happiness will come :)) Love to you always xoxo

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  7. Oh my, I have all these feelings. BFP's after loss and long term IF is confusing and surreal. I am working on finding my attachment to this little being and trying to push away the fear, but it's hard. You aren't alone. I too am having a hard time getting to that happy place.
    MissConception

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  8. Each week your will let yourself believe a little more. I am almost 12 weeks and I still haven't let myself truly understand and grasp the "we are having a baby." It isn't because I am not excited it is just because of the unknow. Reading blogs and truly feeling for each BFN, miscarriage out there we are more in tuned to what could happen. The idea will grow and then at some moment you will be insanely happy and you wont know until it hits you.

    For me each ultrasound/heartbeat appt we have had has chipped away at the wall we have put up to protect ourselves. You will get there!

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  9. I've been feeling the same way. It seems like in our community those two lines come with happiness, and then disbelief and fear of what could go wrong. It's hard to accept that this is really happening. Here's hoping that it starts to feel a little more real and you will start feeling that happiness soon!

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