Worst Blogger EVER Award

I haven't won but I'm definitely nominating myself.

I'm not going to lie.  Pregnancy is an amazing and terrifying thing.  I'm beyond grateful to be experiencing it and sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream.  A dream that is about to become VERY real in the next 6 weeks or less.  I'm about to me a mom of two little miracles.  Never thought I'd get the chance to say that.  But the dark side creeps in and reminds me that it's not over yet.  There's still so much that can go wrong.  This is something I've been fighting my entire pregnancy off and on.  How could someone that's faced infertility have a seamless, healthy pregnancy?  I just didn't think the odds were in my favor.  Turns out I'm damn good at carrying babies...ha!  Who'd have thought?

I apologize for shutting everyone out...especially you guys that have been through hell and back with me.  I've been unfair and selfish and I'm sorry.

Thank you to those of you that "checked in" and made sure I was still alive.  I am...alive and well and almost 32 weeks pregnant with twins.  Me.  Still in shock.

It's a...AND It's a...

FINALLY!

TOTAL Thyroidectomy

I've been gone for far too long.  I know.  The babies and I are doing well...I wish I could say the same for my sweet hubby.

On Wednesday he went in for a 6-hour surgery: a thyroidectomy and neck dissection.  It went smoothly and as far as we can tell, there's no permanent voice or nerve damage.  The doctor was able to preserve all 4 of his parathyroids.  Thank God.  We spent 2 nights in the hospital (the babies were NOT a fan) and we we're home midday Friday.  He's pretty miserable...you'd be amazed by all that the thyroid controls/balances.  He still has one drain in and hopes to get it out tomorrow.  He's now considered "hypo" until radiation in the next few weeks.  After radiation, he'll see an endocrinologist to help him find the right replacement meds.  We expect quite the physical and emotional roller-coaster for the foreseeable future.  Be thinking of us...especially him, poor kiddo.

I'm happy to report that I'm 16w5d and doing fabulously (updated pics coming SOON).  Headaches aside, the second trimester is a breeze so far.  Oh, and we know what we're having...at least we think we know.  A friend of a friend is a sonographer and took a peek for us at 15w1d.  The little ones were cooperating and she could tell almost right away!  Unfortunately, I won't be posting it now in fear that someone I know has found my blog.  If you follow regularly (and are curious), shoot me an email and I'll let you know.  Our "official" gender scan is August 10th and we'll be telling our family on August 15th or 16th.  How exciting!!

13 WEEKS!!

How far along:

13 weeks

Weight gain:
+6 lbs (hey...I just got back from a 7-night cruise and gained 2 lbs in one week...oops!)

What I miss:
I want nothing more than to scoop up my 19 month old niece and snuggle with her all day.  Doc says no more than 10 pounds...she's nearly 30.  So sad.

What’s up with my body:
More belly goodness.  The top is jiggly, the bottom is harder (that's where my babies are).  Here's another discreet pic: 

What’s up with the babies:
This week, they're about the size of a medium shrimp or a small peach.  At about 3 inches, my babies now have fingerprints and veins and organs are now visible through the skin.  Their heads now make up 1/3 of their body size.  We can't wait to get another peek at them next week (14w2d).

Cravings:
NOTHING.

Aversions:
Still nothing sounds good...ever.  I did eat my first hamburger on the cruise (which I had been avoiding like the plague).

Nausea:
Took Zofran on the trip but didn't need it.  Could my nausea be gone?  It began in week 6 and continued through week 12.  This last week has been pretty fabulous though.  Maybe Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Cozumel have something to do with that!

Puking:
Still nothing!  LOTS of heartburn though.  Tums are a pregnant girls best friend.

Boobs:
Same...no pain, just large.  They haven't grown since week 9 or 10.

Other: 
At 12w5d the doppler came out of hiding and I tried it again.  I found one baby close to the same spot as last time.  I think the other baby is just a notch over but could be picking up the same heartbeat.  Overall, I'm still unimpressed with the doppler but that doesn't stop me from listening to the recording of my baby's heartbeat over and over and over again.

I came back from my trip to FABULOUS news!!  JM @ Meier Madness FINALLY got a solid BFP with a fabulous doubling time.  Woohoo!  If you haven't told her CONGRATS!...now would be a great time.

Doppler FAIL Update

On Wednesday, my sweet friend (that waited 7 years for her IVF miracle!) brought over her doppler for me to use.  She's being induced a week from Monday and has no need for it any longer.  The second she left, I got comfortable on the couch and lubed up (sounds dirty).  5 minutes went by...10...15.  NOTHING.  I knew it had to be a piece of shit doppler or broken...naturally.  Where the hell were my babies?  I googled it a bit, read that these things don't work too well until 12 weeks or later and then shockingly got over it.

Yesterday morning, I tried again and was able to find one of my two babies  Like a crazy person, I tried again last night AND this morning...no heartbeat.  I couldn't find either of my babies.  I went into an anxiety tailspin and have been trying to calm down ever since.  I have determined that I loathe the doppler and have asked my husband to hide it from me.  It's definitely causing {what I hope is} unnecessary stress.  Has this happened to you or someone you know?

I'm laughing thinking many of you that have had success have had much less surface area to cover!!

UPDATE: after the encouragement below (thanks, ladies!!) I decided to give it one more shot.  It took me about 25 minutes to find one baby.  It was very low and about 1/2" to the right (from the center).  The doppler was giving me crazy ass results, so I counted the beats in 10 seconds and multiplied it by 6...168bpm!  I was SO relieved that I didn't even worry about finding the other kiddo (sorry, bud).

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::WHEW:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
We have AT LEAST one heartbeat.

I'm still not sold on this thing AT ALL.  It's entirely too stressful.

I've read different things about whether or not fetal dopplers harm the baby.  What have you read?

11 WEEKS!!!

I'm still alive!!!  It's been a crazy month but we're hanging in there.

How far along:
11 weeks+1day

Weight gain:
+4 lbs

What I miss:
I'm a beer girl...and I'm not talking light beer.  I thought I'd truly miss it (especially when EVERYONE else is drinking) but I don't.  Not one bit.  The only time I've wished for beer is when I'm feeling anxious...just to take the edge off.  Speaking of which, that's what I really miss...my anxiety pills.

What’s up with my body:
Belly.  There is a DISTINCT difference from yesterday to today.  I'm posting a discreet pic though my feelings on this align pretty closely with Her Royal Fabulousness on this topic.  That said, I LOVE it when other people post them...please keep 'em coming.

What’s up with the babies:
This week, they're about the size of a fig (not that I have a good handle on a fig's size...).  At about 1.5 inches, they're nearly fully formed.  We had an u/s at 10w2d and they were wiggling all over the place (especially baby A).  We could see the hands!!!  Love.  My subchorionic hematoma has resolved itself (thank God!!) but my blood pressure was a little high and I need to keep an eye on it.

Cravings:
Snow cones.  Daily.

Aversions:
Most everything but snow cones.  I'm always really hungry (especially late at night) but can't ever think of anything that sounds good.

Nausea:
I've just had waves of nausea throughout the day.  Picked up some Zofran yesterday...so we'll see what that's all about.

Puking:
Not yet...whew!

Boobs:
They've grown 2 sizes but don't hurt one bit.  A girlfriend at the pool asked me if I had gotten a boob job.  They're gigantic, I tell you.

Other: 
My next appointment isn't until July 12th.  I'll be 14w2d.  How will I survive?!?  My girlfriend is bringing over her doppler tonight so I can't wait to check it out!  Should be tons of fun.

In thyroid cancer news, my hubby and I met with a fabulous surgeon and she is going to perform his 3-7 hour surgery on July 25th.  She does this exact surgery 4 days/week.  We felt very comfortable with her and are excited to get that nasty cancer out of his body.  We went to a local support group meeting on Saturday and came home with an overwhelming amount of information.  We even met  a guy that had the same surgery with the same doctor just 3 weeks ago...so reassuring! 

We're getting outta here!!!  We leave Sunday morning for  a 7-night cruise with the fam.  It will be so nice to get away from it all...

Subchorionic Hematoma

I woke up Monday morning and headed to the bathroom.  I looked in the toilet and it was reddish-orange.  Still half asleep, I asked my hubby if he was peeing blood.  He looked at me like I was crazy.  I realized that I must have gone in the middle of the night and that was my blood in the toilet.  Terrified, I sat down to go again.  When I wiped, I saw dark brown over and over again.

I was 8 weeks, 6 days and up until this moment, had no signs of blood or spotting.  I'm currently between doctors and didn't know who to call...so I called both.  It was only 7am and obviously no one was answering.  When the recorded message offered an emergency number I called that.  This is very unlike me.  I do not like to bog down doctors with a million questions or bother them in any way.  I'm not as assertive as I should be; especially considering all the shit I've been through.  Apparently, when it comes to my babies, all of that changes (go ME!).  I left a message with the answering service and my OB called me within 15 minutes.

This guy is totally new to me but I fell in love within our short 3-minute talk.  He was heading into surgery but wanted me to come by the office to get everything checked out.  He told me not to try not to worry and that most-likely everything would be fine.  He was warm, kind and reassuring.  He's a keeper.

I started to tear up as the sonographer called my name to head back...not knowing what I was about to see.  I hopped up on the table and within seconds, she found baby A.  He/she is measuring 8 weeks, 5 days.  The sonographer clicked on the chest area and for the first time, I heard the most beautiful sound in the entire world...my baby's heartbeat at 181bpm.  She said, "Well this one's a girl if you believe in all that."  I was so relieved but still tense about what might be going on with baby B.  We soon found him/her and he/she is measuring 8 weeks, 6 days with another amazing heart rate of 173bpm.  The sonographer said, "Another girl!"  Oh dear.

Here's a peek at the little guys (or girls).  They're starting to look more like babies:

After seeing my growing babies, the sonographer dug around a little more to see what might be causing the bleeding.  Next to baby A, there was a small subchorionic hematoma.  I asked how concerned I should be and was told it's fairly common and small enough that it should resolve itself within the next few weeks.  My OB said that if the bleeding remains the same, not to worry, but to call him immediately if the condition worsens.

I also had my blood drawn for the bzillionth time.  My estradiol came back at 1444 and my progesterone at 36.8...so, everything looks good.  Whew!    

I'm 9 weeks today and am very grateful to still have both of my babies.  I was given a 5% chance of miscarriage but really struggle to believe that the odds are that much in my favor.  I love these little guys so much and pray they're both my take-home babies.  They sure did give this momma a scare!

CANCER UPDATE:
We have an 8am appointment tomorrow with the best of the best.  She was recommended to us by the president of the Thyroid Cancer Support Group in Dallas.  Hopefully, we love her and can move forward with surgery in the next week or so.  My hubby and I appreciate your words of encouragement and hope.

Please bear with me on the commenting front.  I haven't been reading as much the past two weeks and I feel so behind.  I care for each of you and thank you for sticking with me through the craziness.

 

Our FIRST Ultrasound

I'd like to introduce you to our...TWINS!!!

Both little guys decided to hang in there and we couldn't be more thrilled.

We are SO IN LOVE and can't stop smiling!  They're both measuring right on track: 8 weeks, 1 day.  Their heartbeats are the most beautiful thing we've ever seen (we didn't get to hear them {but didn't care} we were just in SHOCK). 

I'm now being released to my OB-GYN.  My RE told me to say that I was a high-risk, IVF twin pregnancy when scheduling (CRAZY!).  My first appointment is on June 14th.  I'll be 10 weeks, 2 days.  I've also graduated from vaginal progesterone to pills twice a day...woohoo!  Things are looking up.

All in all, it was a pretty perfect day...we were LOOOOOOONG overdue.

Papillary CARCINOMA

It's thyroid cancer.  My hubby has thyroid cancer.  He has an appointment Tuesday morning to find out what's next.  Looks like he'll definitely be having his thyroid and the remaining swollen lymph nodes removed at some point, followed by radiation.  Apparently if you're going to have cancer, this is one of the "better" ones to have.  It's slow-spreading with a 90% + survival rate.  I'm confident he's going to be okay.  I just hate to see him go through this.  It breaks my heart.  Your continued thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

On a happier note, our ultrasound is Wednesday.  We're really trying our best to separate the two insane, life-altering events going on right now.  We hope to see one (or two!) strong little heartbeat(s)...

ICLW May

Hello visitors!  Happy ICLW.  Glad you're here, put up your feet and stay a while. 

After 2.5 years, 4 IUIs, 1 fresh IVF and one FET, we're nearly 7 weeks pregnant with our first little miracle.  We're very hesitant to fully celebrate and share the news because we haven't had an ultrasound yet.  It's scheduled for the 30th.  It can't get here fast enough.

In other earth-shattering family news, my hubby had a CT scan this week that showed 7 swollen lymph nodes on the left side of his neck.  We're either dealing with a serious infection or lymphoma.  He's having a biopsy on Thursday.  Dear God, please protect my sweet husband.

So next week we'll not only find out whether or not we're still pregnant but also whether or not my hubby has cancer.  WOW.  We ask for your thoughts and prayers.

Thanks for stopping by!  Leave me a comment and I'll come visit you and leave one too.

Friends and Family LETTER

The following is a letter I sent out to after our fresh IVF and again with our FET.  I got a lot of positive feedback and feel like it was well received.  Hopefully, someone else can use it too...

Good morning friends and family!

I’d like to start off by saying THANK YOU for your prayers, thoughtfulness and encouragement throughout my on-going battle with infertility.  This is by far the toughest thing I’ve dealt with in my short 30 years.  I’m blessed to be surrounded by people that are so caring and supportive. 

We all know how cycles work and that I’ll soon be finding out if these little guys are going to stick it out for the long-haul.  And that’s where my request comes in: I want the opportunity to announce my (potential) pregnancy in a fun way at a safe time.  Please do not ask me questions about whether or not I’m pregnant.  If I am, that’s not how I’ll want you to find out.  If’ I’m not, your question may be unintentionally hurtful. 

The good news?  God is in control.  I have to remind myself of that minute-by-minute.  I ask that you continue to pray for me.  Please pray for hope, peace…and ultimately a safe, healthy pregnancy. 

Again, thank you for protecting me and allowing me to begin to feel “normal” throughout what has been a very difficult, abnormal process.

All my love,  

6 WEEKS!!!

I'm 6 weeks today.  CRAZY.  Each day that passes without spotting or trauma, is a big sigh of relief and one day closer....closer to my ultrasound (on the 30th) and closer to my potential take-home baby!

I don't have a ton of symptoms.  I have a few cramps here and there as if AF is on the way.  My boobs are huge (but don't hurt at all) and I scarcely fit into my bra.  I had some cystic acne but that's clearing up.  I'm exhausted and always trying to sneak in a nap.  I'm thirsty ALL OF THE DANG TIME for water only.  I feel hungry but food doesn't sound that good and my sense of smell is fairly sensitive.  Oh, and my dreams: they're vivid, crazy-ass dreams.  That's about it though...all manageable, and let's be honest...I'm thrilled to have symptoms.  Bring it on.

I'm obsessing over the idea of "showing".  I know that's awhile away but I still think about it a ton.  I told my hubby that I'd like to look 25 weeks pregnant the whole time...starting NOW.  I've been looking at maternity clothes too (as if I'll need them any moment).  HA!  I'm a little odd but I'm cool with it.

It's the LITTLE Things

On Mother's Day, I woke up to my hubby sitting next to me.  He had been awake for an hour or so.  He said, "When you're ready to get up, I'd like to take you to breakfast."  I was shocked.  This may sound like an ordinary thing but my hubby loathes going out to breakfast {and it just happens to be my FAVORITE} so the fact that he proposed the idea was HUGE, people.  HUGE.  I quickly pulled myself together.  While I was getting ready, I noticed a card on my nightstand with my name on it.  I opened it and saw two tiny footprints and felt the floodgates opening.  My hubby altered it a bit so that it read:

May your our

new little one (or two)

bring you us

lots of happiness

and love...

every step of the way.

Breakfast was perfect, by the way.  I had my share of decaf coffee and then some.  And the french toast wasn't too bad either.

It's amazing how the littlest of things can mean so much...

WITHHOLDING Happiness

This is not what I expected.  I should be happy.  Very happy.  Even though my betas look lovely, I haven't cried tears of happiness or felt a hint of elation.  I can only describe my overall feelings as neutral.  Maybe it's because it doesn't seem real or perhaps because I didn't expect it to work so soon.  There's also the fear of the unknown and the constant idea of miscarriage creeping in.  I mean, in the infertility world nothing seems to come easily, so why should this pregnancy?  Just typing that word and knowing that I'm relating it to myself is unnerving.  I am pregnant.  Insane.

It's just so early and I guess I'm just afraid.  Afraid that I'll get let infertility continue to get the best of me.  Afraid that I'll get too attached to a tiny someone I'll never get to hold in my arms.  In this world we build up so many walls and our hearts are hardened with each failed cycle.  We guard our hearts with lock and key.

I also feel sadness for the ladies that wanted their BFPs just as much as I did...especially since it seemed to be a BFP frenzy this cycle.  I know it's illogical to think that we'd all get our second lines together but my heart hurts for them.  Badly.  Your time will come, sweet friends.  I am hopeful for you.

I know this is real {for now}.  It just doesn't feel real.  Maybe my ultrasound will be the moment I cry tears of joy.  The moment I thought I'd experience after seeing 2 lines...but never came.

Beta #3 RESULTS

Well, we went from 354 on Friday to 3,665 today.  That's a doubling time of 35.59 hours or 1.48 days.  We're movin' on up!  My first ultrasound isn't until March 30 (assuming everything goes smoothly, I'll be 8 weeks).  Why does that seem so crazy far away?  I feel like everyone else gets a 6 week ultrasound.  {commence tantrum}  But hell, I've waited much longer than 3 weeks for something before, right?

Tonight and tomorrow night will be my final PIO shots (which is FAB because my backside is just 2 huge knots of oil)!!  I start the progesterone inserts tonight.  Who'd of thought I'd be so thrilled about the equivalent of a suppository?  Should be a whole new level of exciting...

Beta #2 RESULTS

354...that's a doubling time of 38.45 hours or 1.60 days!  Beta #3 on Wednesday.  We're in disbelief and beyond grateful.

Thank you for all of the sweet comments and support.  I appreciate it more than you know.  I'm one lucky gal!

One HECK of a Day

I woke up bright and early to head to Dallas for my first beta.  As the blood flowed into the tube, I thought, "You better be good, blood.  You better have some solid hCG in there.  You are in control of my emotions/life/craziness and I'm counting on you to rock this out.  Get in there and kick some ass."  It was a good pep-talk, I think.  I felt so helpless when leaving.  Like I had left all of the evidence with the lab and my fate was in their hands.  Only time would tell...

Before arriving at school, I inconspicuously ran into Walgreens to snag a box of FRERs.  It was time...this was happening.  I nervously handed the box over to the cashier (who also happens to be our school's crossing guard) hoping she wouldn't recognize me.  She did.  She then went on to comment about my purchase and asked me if I was getting ready for Mother's Day.  WHAT?!?  Wait for it...it wouldn't scan.  The effing machine didn't recognize the product!  The cashier then makes the announcement, "I need a price check on First Response Pregnancy Test Value Pack."  Smooth.  Really smooth.

I couldn't wait to manufacture enough pee to try one out.  Finally, at 9:15, I took the plunge.  I've never been more excited to pee.

With our fresh IVF (in February), I got the call.  We decided to change it up this time around and told the doctor to deliver the news to my hubby.  He then, could choose how and when to deliver the information to me...text, phone or wait until we both got home.  The choice was his.  We texted back and forth a few times but nothing juicy.

Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock...this was proving to be the LONGEST.  DAY.  EVER.

I left my classroom during my break but took my phone with me (duh).  I may or may not have been staring at it with hopes that it would ring.  It did.  It was hubby.  He said, "Where are you?"  I said, "Heading to my classroom.  What's up?"  He sounded good.  I was relieved.  As I turned the corner into my classroom, he was standing there.  I closed the door, in shock.  Do people show up to deliver bad news?  He said that the doctor called him at 11 with good news.  We're pregnant.  My beta is 149 and we'll repeat it again on Friday and Wednesday.  Did you catch that?  Pregnant...ME!!!  Preggo.  With Child.  Unconventionally knocked-up. 

We hugged, kissed and then hugged and kissed some more.  It was one special moment that I'll never forget.  So, for now...we're pregnant...pregnant and cautiously awaiting our next two betas.

Oh and by the way, at 9:15, I got my second line...

  

1st Beta TOMORROW

It's nearly here: my 1st beta following FET #1 is in the morning.  This time tomorrow I will know something.  HOLY COW.

I've already fallen in love with these little guys in our short 8 days together.  I pray they are snuggling in and planning to stick it out for the long-haul.  I so desperately want to be their momma...

SIGNIFICANTLY Less Crazy

I gotta say...I'm super proud of myself.  I spent my ULTRA conservative amount of bed rest as a much less crazy person than last time.  I'm maturing a bit, gosh darn it.

11 weeks ago {with my fresh cycle} I spent day and night, googling.  My new, birthday iPad was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me that week.  Even when my husband came home from work, I was silent and my eyes were glued to the screen.  I felt anxious, obsessively conjured up symptoms and knew this "just had to work".

This time around, I had a pretty consistent daily routine {I freaking THRIVE on routine}.  I loved it.  If {God forbid} this FET doesn't work out, the next time 'round, I'll do something similar.  I finally got around to reading The Hunger Games, I watched season 6 of Dexter, season 1 of Breaking Bad and had at least 1 visitor daily.  My mentality has totally changed.  I now view IVF as a journey and not a quick fix.  I've given up control and have a found an abundance of peace.  When I hold my baby in my arms, it won't matter how long I waited.  Of course, January 10, 2013 is a viable option!!!  Just saying.

I'm 4dp5dt and my first beta is Wednesday.  I'm avoiding POAS but the pull isn't too strong {for now}.  I've NEVER seen a positive test when I've tried in the past.  NEVER.  I'm ready for my second line...

Kiddos are FINALLY Home

I'm PUPO with twins!!  My precious hubby and I are thrilled to have 2 of our 10 kiddos home in the safest place they can be.  We transferred 2, perfectly thawed grade A embryos yesterday around noon.  FET #1 was a breeze compared to our fresh transfer in February.  

What was different this time?  Hmmm, let's see...we did assisted hatching, my body isn't filled with stim meds, I didn't just have 22 eggs retrieved, I'm not in any pain, my anxiety is lower (in a "been there, done that" kind of way), there weren't any slip-ups during the transfer, the doctors, nurses and embryologist were more communicative and everyone seemed more calm, cool, collected and confident.  I'll take it!

I'm now happily on bed rest being the best momma I can be to these little guys...even if it is only for a few, short days.  More to come...

Happy CONCEPTION Day

Tomorrow, traditionally speaking, would be conception day.  I have 10 precious 5-day snowbabies waiting to be transferred.  The funny thing is, if all of our kids come from this batch, they will ALL have been "conceived" on February 1, 2012...every last one of them.  HA!  That will be fun to explain someday.  Hell, they'll probably be relieved to find out that it wasn't through sex...because that would be so gross.  And when they ask, "How are babies born?"  My response will not start with, "Well, when mommies and daddies love each other..." 

ONE WEEK and Counting

Well, Friday was tough; walking into a building that was once a happy place of monumental hope that quickly turned into a sad place of doubt and uncertainty.  Floor 6 please {for the millionth time}.

Blood work was first, followed by the beloved vag cam that I've had a near 3-month break from.  Oh, the joys.  My lining was already 8.1mm which looked good.  They'd like it to be at least 8.5mm by transfer.  My estradiol was around 87 and they'd like it to be around 100.  This meant that instead of adding 2 patches Saturday, I would add 3, for a total of 5!!!  Good Lord, that's a lot of lady hormones.

I went again today; this time for a doctor's sono.  He's FINALLY back from vacation...the vacation that delayed my FET by 3 weeks.  I hope it was worth it!!!  Anyhow, he didn't give me numbers but said, "We're ready."  I didn't get a phone call this afternoon, so I'm to remain on 5 patches that alternate {on DIFFERENT days...it's madness}.

Last Lupron is tomorrow which is great because this morning's shot was strangely painful.  PIO shots start Wednesday and this round, I'll be doing 1/2cc in the morning and 1/2cc 10-12 hours later.  I'm going to be FINE but I haven't completely wrapped my brain around the gigantic needles this time...and TWICE a day...ugh.  My husband works late nights, so we're going to have to be creative {and by creative, I mean car shots}.  WOWZERS.

So, next Monday it is!  I'll go in at noon and the transfer will be at 12:30.  We'll be transferring 2 grade A snowbabies.  Thaw safely, sweet little ones!  I love you already.

I asked my hubby in the car, "Babe, we're gonna be alright if this doesn't work, right?"  He said, "Yeah, we are."  I know we'll be alright, regardless of the outcome.  I do have hope, but I'm more guarded this time around...

Distant AND Overwhelmed

Hi.  I've been taking a break from EVERYTHING...friends, family, blogging, Easter*  I thought that now that life is getting interesting again, I'd pop in for a bit.  I hope to stay a while.  I just can't predict the crazy.  It comes and goes as it pleases.  I'm just the carrier.

I really appreciate all of the love I've been receiving in my absence.  You know who you are!

I started E2 patches last week and the countdown is ON!  I have sono/bloodwork appointments Friday and Monday and my transfer is one week from Monday.  I have mixed feelings and am avoiding over-thinking (for now)...

*Yes, I took a break from Easter.  Sounds funny {maybe} but I didn't want to deal with awkward family dynamics and drama when I'm supposed to be relaxing in preparation for my FET.  When you were at church, I was at the zoo** with my hubby.  Blasphemous, I know.  A twinge or two of guilt ensued.

**Surprisingly enough, the zoo is open EVERY day of the year.  Insane yet genius.  If you want to go to the zoo and have it all to yourself, choose a holiday.  It's lovely.

A Little Bit CHUBBY

Yep, that's me...the fluffy one.  I may look slightly pregnant but ::SIGH:: I'm not.  No chance in hell. 

Dear Coworkers,
PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT MY STOMACH AS YOU PASS ME IN THE HALL.  YES, I know that I've over-shared about wanting to have a kiddo and YES, I've put on nearly 15lbs since August but I hate to disappoint you: there's no baby in there...just carbs and beer.  Mmmm beer.
Sincerely,
Lou

I hauled my chubby butt (accompanied by my BFF Xanex) back to Weight Watchers last week.  For those of you that don't know, I was once down 75lbs but have put about 20 of it back on.  I'm a fluctuater but have never allowed it to go this far.  I've been using the excuse "but if I get pregnant...the extra 10-15lbs won't matter" for too long.  I have 4 weeks and I'm taking advantage of them, dammit.

So, not only do have have the Lupron to complain about this week but I'm a SUPER pissed dieter too.  Consider yourself warned...

Let the Shots Begin...AGAIN

Happy ICLW!!  I can't BELIEVE it's already here again!  If you're visiting...WELCOME.  Thanks for stopping by.

I'm a "mom" to 19 kindergartners 8 hours a day but would LOVE to have a sweet little one to call my own.

My hubby and I have been TTC #1 for just over 2 years and after 4 failed IUIs and 1 failed (fresh) IVF, we're still holding out hope for our someday baby (or babies!!)

You're catching me just as I'm gearing up for FET #1.  I've been on BCP, start Lupron tomorrow and E2 patches on April 4th.  On April 23rd, we'll transfer 2 of our 10 snowbabies, hoping that at least one of them will stick it out for the long-haul.

Thank you for reading.  I'd love to hear about you and your journey!!

OH...and today is the LAST DAY to sign up for Cristy's Sock Exchange...join the fun.

Facebook HIATUS

Precisely why I'm taking a break from from Facebook.  My news feed is 75% or more baby and pregnancy blah.  I deleted the app off of my iPhone and iPad and am enjoying the peace that comes with less frequent jealousy and (at times) anger.  Does your news feed sound similar?  Try it.  You won't be disappointed...

Fair warning: just when you think you've protected yourself, Pinterest might catch you off-guard.  If someone starts pinning the hell out of maternity clothes and nursery crap, chances are...they're pregnant.  Don't follow up on Facebook like a creepy stalker to confirm (there's obviously no chance I've done this).  In the mean-time, I will continue to pin on my "Someday Baby" board.

Updates GALORE

Good morning!  I'm feeling especially chipper considering I'm on day 3 of spring break.  It is, however, going by too quickly...but then again, that's how it always seems to go.  [note: I don't use the word "chipper" when speaking.  Apparently I do when writing...who knew?]

For the new folk, my first IVF failed but resulted in 10 beautiful snowbabies (6 grade A, 4 grade B).  We are moving on to FET #1 in April.

UPDATE #1: My nurse called yesterday with my auto immune results (drum roll, please): NEGATIVE.  My feelings?  Mixed.  Mostly, I'm happy that we're not dealing with any added drama but it makes our "perfect cycle with imperfect results" even more frustrating.  BTW you guys are right...I can't dwell on what went wrong but as the results keep coming, my mind starts to wander a wee bit.

UPDATE #2: FET #1 meds have been ordered.  If all goes according to plan, we're looking at $3,127 (transfer + meds) for this round. 

UPDATE #3: Our FET would have been April 7th but is now scheduled for April 23rd.  Apparently REs go on vacation too (LAME).  Though I'm disappointed it's a little over 5 weeks away, I find peace in the certainty of April 23rd.  It's such a different feeling than going through a fresh cycle.  Oh, and my RE's frozen stats are higher than fresh.  Strange?  Perhaps.  I'm not complaining.

UPDATE #4: I signed up for Cristy's Sock Exchange.  I need all of the fertility hope I can get...even in the form of socks.  Check it out and join us.  The deadline is March 21st.  I can't wait for my new socks!!  Thanks Cristy.

PARTIAL Blood Results

I hadn't written about the results yet because they won't all be in until Tuesday or Wednesday.  But since my thoughtful buddy Caitlin asked, here goes...

There was a message on my phone this week from my nurse.  I checked it {nervously}.  All good news: my ETA, RIP and NKA (the expensive tests that were sent off to Chicago) came back NEGATIVE.

:::WHEW:::

I was thrilled and soon called my nurse back and said, "I got the good news!"  She said {ever so glumly}, "Yeah, but it still doesn't tell us anything about your failed cycle."  Then she got on to my for dragging my feet on the additional blood work.  WTF.  Seriously, lady?  I'm paying you big bucks to be my cheerleader.  AND I'm beginning to think less and less that this failure had anything to do with my body.

More results to come...

PERFECT Birthing Hips

I've been told {on more than one occasion} that I have "perfect birthing hips".  Perfect you say?  I have been considered big-boned all of my life but the birthing hips comment was a new one to me.  I don't remember how I responded.  I'm sure it was with an "oh" or "hmm" followed by cringing and awkward silence.  I'm confident I didn't take it as a compliment.  Hell, if my April FET works, I get to finally put these babies to good use.  It's about time.

Speaking of wide, I've battled my weight off and on throughout the past 30 years.  In 2007, I was pushing 230 and slowly through long distance running and Weight Watchers, I've lost up to 80 pounds.  I say "up to" because I've packed a few of those pounds back on...especially since my devastating BFN 3 weeks ago.

All of that to say, getting pregnant and getting "fat" again used to terrify me.  In my naive I-can-get-pregnant-whenever-I-want-to days, I would use this as one of my excuses for waiting.  Today, my feelings have totally changed.  I hope to have the OPPORTUNITY to gain weight for my baby someday...perfect birthing hips and all.

RARE Blood Tests

So, in an effort to {potentially} find out why my beautiful embryos didn't stick around, we're running a series of rare, expensive blood tests this week:

ETA (Embryo Toxicity Assay)...$260: to find out if my "serum" contains toxins that cause embryos to stop growing and die.  HOLY COW.  We're hoping this comes back negative.  If not, I will have intravenous infusions (that last several hours) that begin before my FET and go through week 34 of pregnancy.  WOW.  This one gets sent off to Chicago tomorrow morning.  We'll get the results in about 2 weeks.

RIP (Reproductive ImmunoPhenotype)...$265: IF this test shows that my white blood cells are actively seeking out and destroying foreign material (aka my sweet embabies), I'll have a NKA (Natural Killer Cell Activation) test...$340.  Again, this is treated intravenously and will be sent off to Chicago.

I'll also be heading to Quest this week for the following tests:
Ana Screen
Cardiolipin Screen
Lupus Anticoagulant Evaluation
Rheumatoid Factor
Thyroid Peroxidase and Thyroglobulin Antibodies

We're hoping and praying that ALL of these tests come back negative and that we're good to go for our April FET...

ICLW February

Hello visitors!!!  Happy ICLW.  You're catching me at a rather shitty time.  WELCOME.  Glad you're here, put up your feet and stay a while.  May I offer you a drink?  Well, I'm having one.

You see, if our first ever fresh IVF had worked, I'd be 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  My hubby and I just went through a "perfect cycle with imperfect results" and we're slowly recovering.  Gotta say, we were pretty cocky after we retrieved 22, 17 were mature, 17 fertilized and 2 perfect grade A blasts were {ever so smoothly} transferred in.  At 9dp5dt, I had my first blood test: BFN.  We were crushed.  We're regaining our strength and beyond grateful for the 10 snowbabies we have awaiting us.  We so desperately want to be their parents.  More info on our scheduled FET to come...

Thanks for stopping by!  I love writing and this blog is my "secret" outlet.  The true, empathetic support here is second to none.  I appreciate each and everyone of you.

WTF Appointment

Well that BFN came out of nowhere...{as an eternal optimist} I was CERTAIN this infertility blog was about to get a baby overhaul.  I was getting the hells outta here.  NO SUCH LUCK.  You're stuck with me.

My WTF appointment with my RE and embryologist is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon.  Word on the street is that for a mere $5 grand, we can turn this sucker right around and give it another go next month.  GOOD LORD.  I am in NO position to be making those kind of decisions right now.  I'm relatively new to the world of IVF and had no idea that you could immediately follow a huge fail with a FET, just like that.  The only thing that should follow a failed IVF is vodka...or Hawaii. 

The good news?  Today is better than yesterday which was a hell of a lot better than the day before.  Oh, and my hubby never ceases to amaze me.  Maybe I am a little lucky...

I want to say a HUGE thank you to all of my readers.  On Wednesday you were swearing right along with me and I appreciate you!  Thanks for the comments.  xoxo

It DIDN'T Work

I could tell by the tone of Dr. P's voice, that it was a "no".  I didn't even ask for my beta.  No more patches.  No more progesterone.  Such a loss.  The pain is indescribable.

1st Beta TOMORROW

Never thought I'd make it to my 1st beta...but this time tomorrow, I'll know {something}. A month ago, I wanted to fall asleep and wake up on the 15th. I couldn't bear the thought of waiting for this moment.  I thought it would never come.

As far as IVF cycles go, mine is pretty ideal so far and I'm beyond grateful. Does good luck come in 5s? Lord, I wish I knew. Only time will tell (and, of course, a blood test may help out too...perhaps).

Symptoms in my 2WW (some may be due to PIO): light to medium cramping off and on, some foods taste funny, intense dizziness when going from a seated position to standing and fatigue.

Good luck to all of the girls getting their betas this week.  I'm cheering for you!

OBSESSED with Success Stories

So...I've been quiet. Here's what I've been reading (admittedly more than once over) to keep the positivity flowing.  My first beta is Wednesday morning (holy cow!!!).

Check this link out:
Fertility Community IVF Success Stories

Comment with the following if you have an IVF or FET success story to share!
Age:
TTC for:
Diagnosis:
Prior ART:
# IVF cycles:
Donors:
Meds taken:
# Follicles at ER:
# Eggs retrieved:
# Eggs fertilized:
# Days b/w ER and ET:
# Embryos transferred:
Embryo quality:
2WW symptoms:
#dpt +BFP:
#dpt +HPT:
# at first beta:
# of babies:
Anything else you would have wanted to know before you started this process:

We Have SNOWBABIES

It's been quite a week.  We retrieved 22, 17 were mature, 17 fertilized, we transferred 2 grade a blasts and now have 10 snowbabies!! We are very fortunate. The other 5 stopped developing (and I cried for them...twice). Maybe it's the new estrogen patches (or the monotonous bed rest) but I'm a weepy mess today.  Hoping my sweet embryos are snuggling in for the long-haul...

PREGNANT Day

We did it! Embryo transfer has come and gone and we're exhausted...what a day full of roller coaster emotions. Whew!!

How did it go? After a long awaited, much anticipated Valium, things were looking up. Our precious embryologist greeted us with a hug and was thrilled to share the latest about our growing babies. She said that we're going to have several to freeze and won't ever need to go through stims again (bold statement, I know). All 17 of our little guys are still going strong. 9 of them are ahead of the pack and are high grade blastocysts. The other 8 are just a step behind but still look great. We transferred 2 grade A blasts and got to meet them just moments before. Now I know I'm biased but they were simply beautiful...and they're a part of us. Does it get anymore amazing than that?

So, now what? We wait...we pray...we hope. For all I know, this may be the closest I get to being mom. I'm going to cheer these kiddos on with all I've got, make them feel loved and take care of them to the best of my ability. I want this so badly I can hardly stand it.  Stick sweet babies...I love you already!!

So, I guess it's FINALLY true...I'm PUPO.  Our 1st beta is on the 15th!

It's TRANSFER Time

Tomorrow at 1:00 Central, I'll be officially knocked-up (via 5-day transfer)...for the FIRST time. Yep, it's time to pick up the kids and bring them home. My head is exploding as I'm attempting to sort rational from irrational thoughts. I'm cautiously optimistic. I mean, at least we'll be more pregnant than we've ever been before, right? Here we go...

Fertilization REPORT

My cell phone rang at 8:51 this morning (earlier than I expected). It was Dr. Z, our embryologist. I'm pretty sure I wasn't breathing...in fact, I know I wasn't. My classroom was full of kindergartners excited to celebrate the 100th day of school. Regardless, it was a Zach Morris moment: time stood still.

Dr. Z said that out of the 22 retrieved, 17 were mature (1 more than we were told yesterday)! She ICSI'ed all 17 and...wait for it...wait for it...100% fertilized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in shock. I couldn't even cry. I thanked her no less than a dozen times in our 3 minute conversation. We have SEVENTEEN embryos.  WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW. 

Our transfer is scheduled for Monday morning and we're hopeful!